I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
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Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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