OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
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So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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