Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
