my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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