We named our party play list daddy issues
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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