I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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