i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
