life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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