I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
People with herpes should wear stickers.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
