just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
