Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
