Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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