I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
