I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
