Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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