We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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