Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
