I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm just crazy horny about you
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
