Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
