I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful