You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
