How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
