What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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