How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
