Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
