Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
