Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
