it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
