Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
