....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
