Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
