Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I want a musical about memes.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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