I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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