i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
