Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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