I wish I could punch you in the face.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
