That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
