he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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