ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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