false alarm. still invincible.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
