im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
