wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
