and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
is wine microwaveable?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
