I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
