i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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