i think my tv is drunk
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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