So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
