I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
