had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
