we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
