dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
