Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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