I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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