I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
