Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
