I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
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