Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
